As of 10/18/2019, voters seem to be unsatisfied with available politicians, and have decided to vote a dead body into the White House. Exit polls show current voter satisfaction at an all time low of -7%. When asked as to why voters are so dissatisfied, many of them point to the low quality of polling place coffee at their local elementary school. Many also note the difficulty applying the “I Voted” sticker to clothing, frequently complaining “It’s very difficult to read upside down.”
Luckily for the voters and the American people, the return of the benchmark of political success, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, will spark a return in cherished values. The four-time president, famous for saying “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on” has already sent investments in rope-based commodities through the roof, and put formerly “for boy scouts only” educational literature on knot-tying, back onto Amazon’s best seller list in the category of “Softcore Sports”.
Despite coining the term “Great Depression”, a term now opted by teenagers on social media to describe the feeling of not having the latest Apple product, and participating in a the oft mislabeled “World War” which really only involved around three quarters of the planet, Americans have been able to put aside any preconceived notions about the future of their beloved country, and allow a long deceased skeleton to occupy the oval office. When asked for comment about his triumphant return to the White House, Roosevelt responded, “I haven’t been alive for almost 80 years, please pay no attention to the man manipulating my lower mandible with his hand.”
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