Coalinga, California
The largest bovine housing project west of Nebraska is up in arms due to a recent cow-tipping spree.
The art of cow-tipping consists of pushing the unsuspecting victim to the ground while in a catatonic, trance like state known as “asleep”. First discovered by accident the Marlboro Man was being photographed leaning against some cattle at dusk, personifying stereotypical smoker behavior. A sudden dizzy spell had ol’ Marley Marl’ catching his balance with enough force to send the napping steer tottering to the ground. It was to be a very dark day for the dairy industry and a very fortuitous day for drunken rural frat boys. That discovery would then come back to haunt pastures for years, notably one of dairy’s cream of the crop.
Noticing a sudden spike in frequency, a Coalinga farmer had herd increase to an 18% tip rate up from the lean 15% he was accustomed to. The 3% rise in animal assault cut into the farm’s 2% milk profit, now barely skimming 1% off the top. Purchasing a government subsidized GoPro Hero 3+ action camera — the black edition that included mounting accessories — our protagonist gave it to the belle with most knockdowns, heavyweight dairy queen Hugh Heifer.
The next morning, sending his labradoodle-shnauzer (a labradoozer) to fetch the GoPro, he would reveal no visible footage obstruction from mist of abundant cow flatulence. Audio analysis, however, yielded the faint but unmistakeable sound of clinking Yoohoo bottles. Forensic print analysis on the trash littering the scene would eventually finger a culprit, the farmer’s son in law who was justifiably upset with the man who didn’t acknowledge him as a new family member. The farmer, worried his relationship with his daughter was at stake, settled the situation with his son in law by letting the beef simmer down until they came to a happy medium. They celebrated an end to cow-tippings with a freshly prepared vegan meal.
