Prolific philanderer Ross Russo-Rousseau, age 52 died this week of complications due to severe shock, sources say. Known for his long list of frowned-upon courtships, Russo-Rousseau was also known for his mental health diagnosis of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Years of insisting his trysts be arranged in alphabetical order had been a tip-off to the psychiatry community. More concerned with the first letter of a Woman’s adopted-by-marriage last name than social status or attractiveness, the habit was a predictable if not understandable malady. Each week he would peruse the newly-married section of the local newspaper, first finding the appropriate lettering, then contacting with an offering infidelity based on wedding attendance.
Tragically, the obsession finally caught up with him. After friends Carl Xavier, Mark Young and Tim Zalusky met in a support group for cuckolded husbands, they noticed a coincidental time frame surrounding their significant others sudden interest in neo-traditional organization techniques. Four minutes of drunken Google navigation yielded an anonymous case study with Russo-Rousseau’s name written all over it called “Sex In Alphabetical Disorder.” The three shamed men then hired a surveillance team to determine the letter requirements of his next adulterer conquest. A local “lady of the night” was hired to play the part of newly married Meghan Parker. After the sexual encounter concluded, Russo-Rosseau began the ritual of checking legal identification and improperly photographing it with a cell phone’s front facing camera. Upon seeing the true name on the commercial drivers license in the woman’s neon yellow fanny pack, he became immediately catatonic. The details in the coroner’s report noted a severe trauma to his nervous system due to an infliction known as “suddenness.”
A state trial was started to attempt to prosecute Xavier, Young, and Zalusky — legal representation provided by Long, Marcowitz, and Nelson — for second degree murder. The defendants are claiming emotional distress, and didn’t realize the ramifications of disturbing the rituals involved in managing obsessive compulsive disorder. The case is still in progress, and experts are unwilling to attempt to determine the outcome of the trial, saying the verdict will depend heavily on the testimony of the sex worker who was hired to disrupt Mr. Ross Russo-Rosseau’s deep-rooted patterns. When asked for commentary lawyers Long, Marcowitz and Nelson informed reporters that the escort Fantasy Quackenbush was unavailable for comment.
