The Laguna Beach SIK brothers [Sigma Iota Kappa fraternity members ]were totes stoked [quite excited] for their skydiving sesh [appointment], but were bummed [disappointed] when a bromo [associate] had to bounce [leave] because his shorty [girlfriend Stacy Marsden] was blowing up his shit [frequently messaging his portable phone]. They thought Rihanna [fraternity member Chandler Brady] was always down [ready] to rage [have a good time], but it wasn’t DL [a secret] he was hookin’ up [having consensual sex] with that OMG ho bag. [Omicron Mu Gamma member Stacy Marsden]
Brosephs [the group of friends] were chillin [waiting] at the spot [airport], pre-gaming [readying] for take off — doin’ rips, gettin faded [partaking in drugs] — and it was like Ri-Ri [Chandler Brady] just up and ghosts on [leaves without informing] his boys. Hardware [Fraternity Member Mark Chisolm] was like “Wtf? [How peculiar] Where’d Ri go [Where has Chandler? gone]? Our ride [airplane] is here. It’s time to fly,” and Buddha [Fraternity Member Taylor Ho] was like [said in response] “Whatevs [It’s alright], he pussed out for [chose the company of] some chick [female]. Bros before Hos, son [Male comrades before women, friend] . Dibs on [I am entitled to] the refund, homie [Chandler] owed me money straight up [coincidentally enough].” Hardware [Mark Chisolm] was all [said] “I guess Rihanna’s [Chandler Brady is] got [financially covering] shots [drinks] at Hot Tub [The local watering hole] tonight!”
At first, Ri-Ri’s [Chandler’s] bail [absence] harshed the mellow [disheartened everyone], but Buddha [Taylor Ho] manned up, brought it back and fixed it like C3P-Bro for the win [acted nobly]. Before they ditched [jumped out of] the bird [plane], they all were like [one of them noted] “Some [That] bitch [Stacy Marsden] got [has] Rihanna [Chandler Brady] whipped [in a committed relationship], that aint Bro-Kay [and it saddens me to no end]. Fuck it. [But now is not the time]. Hashtag [Point of order], lets do this! [Excelsior!]”
The boys totally got over it [let bygones be bygones] when Rihanna [Chandler Brady] popped up [arrived] at the pad [house] with some bomb ass green [cannabis], a grip of PBRs [six cans of reasonably priced beer] and some Grade A, OMG fine ass [some of Omicron Mu Gamma’s most engaging women]. Shit was tight, boyyyyy [A great time was had by all].
***Excerpt from Orange County University student newspaper, The Slice. Translation by Kofi Annan.
