Wasilla, Alaska
Radio DJ James VanDreever — known to the airwaves as “Gouda Cheddar” — has been receiving thousands of tersely worded, G-rated letters from Wasillans for ruining the ending of Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln”. While in discussion with sidekick Jack The Box (a friendly cardboard box voiced by VanDreever) the topic of recent movies came up; Jack The Box revealed he’d recently pirated a screener of Lincoln off of “that gosh darn internet.” Without prefacing the conversation with the Federal Communications Commission sanctioned warning of “Spoiler Alert”, the eager radio host accidentally revealed the ending to a movie. FCC regulation TK421, known as the “Shyamalan Doctrine”, prevents broadcasting conclusions on any subject to anyone without verbal consent. With a requirement of two complaints from postcards with different handwriting, defying the regulation is punishable by 10,000 dollar fine and an apology broadcast every hour on the hour for 48 hours.
A CB broadcast enthusiast — radio handled “Grand Frank Railroad” — was recently fined and punished by the FCC, having revealed a major plot element to Dan Brown’s 2003 book The Da Vinci Code. He was unaware that certain areas of America were behind the times on certain pop culture references, and that any hint at a presence of someone knowing more than them would make them crazy enough to carry guns in public. Representation for the FCC governing body delivered this message as a warning to future offenders,
“Extreme caution must be taken when broadcasting in sparsely populated areas. Rural Americans get up in arms when someone acknowledges the existence of genitalia, so can you imagine if they figured out how to watch Game of Thrones, The Wire, or Orange is the New Black, only to be spoiled by someone with an interest in quality programming? We’d have a Fargo fucking fatwa. Don’t poke the dullards. Seacrest, Out.”
Spoiler alert: The movie Lincoln was released in 2012, shocking audiences that Lincoln was also a butcher, an oil-man, and came out of the womb as a left foot.
