Today: The United States of America implements a risky diplomacy strategy with Iraq, changing its status from “Open Relationship” to “It’s Complicated”. The public display of emotional turbulence sent waves through the United Nations water cooler, each country wondering which friend they’ll pick if things go downhill, and whether or not its possible to be friends with both on the down low. America’s decision to send this message to Iraq without a cordial invite to coffee, a phone call, or even a “cn we tlk??” text message, shows a feelings shift in the long-distance courtship. The Secretary of Defense admits this dangerous display of passive-aggression leaves both countries vulnerable to snarky commentary, inspirational photos, and exercise advice, but supports a course of action that is swift and petty.
Fears that Iraq would respond with insults about America’s inadequacy in the performance department were understandable if not eagerly awaited, but predictions proved unfounded. Iraq simply posted a Youtube music video of late-90’s chart topper “Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)” by Blessed Union of Souls to its Facebook feed. Analysts are guessing that posting this alt-rock cry for help will remind America of the longstanding grandstanding of misunderstanding standing between a couple historically known for sticking to their guns instead of sharing recipes or watching Netflix. It should be noted that both Iraq and America failed to identify the correct definition of “compromise”on the Facebook quiz “War of the Words”
Polls show that while 61% of the planet has no internet access and are probably focused on surviving another day on earth, 39% of the world’s population believes this symbolic escalation will lead to America delivering its message of love atop a large American vehicle with some form of boombox.
