San Francisco housing complex known as “The Superiority” is offering permanently increased rents for occupants whose status is driven by the amount they pay for an apartment. The largest accommodation is a 300 square foot, split level, open floor plan that the landlords affirm is “luxuriously spacious”, decreasing in size to an immeasurably diminutive rental optimistically referred to as “Closet-esque”.
Offerings are adorned with at least 14 coats of the finest interior semi-gloss, dented can, Vietnam-war-era surplus eggshell paint; the rooms come fully furnished with couch, chair, and table-shaped linoleum stains; and full exposed wiring known as “Condemned Sheik”. Bathrooms are shared one for every 8 units, nurturing a subculture of smugness determined by the extinction status of the animals each cosmetic was tested on.
Prices range from the low “Harvard Undergraduate Law Degree” to an ‘upper-range-yet-reasonable’ “Two Oxford Doctorates and a Library Wing” and are determined at random by a rigged lottery system. Due at signing is a security deposit of the first and last months rent, a notarized non-disclosure agreement, and an unreleased electric car prototype. It should be noted that laundry, housekeeping, garbage pickup, and parking is available on-site to tenants who live in other buildings that offer such services.
According to management, competition will be fierce, so bring a check book, a megaphone, and a sub-lethal taser.
