An Oklahoma Police Force has hired the youngest sketch artist in state history in a monumental blow to age-ism. Eight years old, Sandy “Puddin'” Britchford was brought into the detective squad to fill the void previously filled by former television personality Tim Tebow. Britchford was hired under Oklahoma’s newly passed “Adorable Action” bill: the law that requires state agencies hire from all age ranges regardless of coloring skills or race-running ability. Known for drawing family portraits with reasonable accuracy in the medium of crayon on place mat, she was an easy pick for the job.
Lil Sandy’s first dispatch was to a crime scene at a local preschool where, during nap time, a criminal mastermind was stealing cookies from the cookie jar. Witnesses described the culprit as a male wearing Osh-Kosh B’Gosh apparel, a stainless steel allergies list bracelet on his arm, and that he was definitely of the “dootie head” persuasion. After fifteen minutes and two glasses of chocolate milk, Sandy Britchford finished her first professional rendering. The drawing of the small-time larcenist sparked a classroom-wide man hunt with a reward set at a bajillion, quillion dollars for information leading to capture.
Informants observed the playground for suspicious activity, keeping alerts high due to warnings that their outlaw was “two-armed and dangerously smelly.” A hot tip came through the can and string switchboard informing the task force that their man was at the yellow twisty slide disposing of evidence. The brass predicted that the offender may feel a bit parched after all of those organic, gluten-free, vegan desserts and may visit a local watering hole. It was time to call in the reinforcements. Elite mercenaries from the Tchaikovsky Ballet recital were rallied at lunch, famous for being quiet for more than seventeen seconds and listening to occasional adult direction — the SWAN team posted up near the really low, “good” drinking fountain.
On code word “Water hog”, the dance team leapt from their lunch table hiding spot, surrounding their target with fingers pointed. Taken into custody, the petty thief was interrogated by the investigator known as the “Principal”. Sliding Sandy’s hand-drawn sketch across the green plastic table, the Principal asked the diminutive Dillinger, “Do you know the person in the picture?” The boy, identified by acquaintances on his way down the hall as “Alex” quietly squeaked out, “That’s me, but without the flowers and boogers.” The Principal wasted no time sentencing the cup-sized Capone to three lunches with no apple juice before being sent back to class to learn the number three. It was that moment that Sandy knew she’d found her life’s calling as a Police Artist, but more importantly she needed to be excused to go to the bathroom.
As to how a 3 year old boy retrieved the cookies from the unusually paranoid teacher’s 7 locker — a 5 hour fire-rated Lockbox with an Abloy Protec2 PL362 padlock — will always remain a mystery.
